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At long last…

25 Mar

…my “triumphant” return to this blog.

 

Life’s been crazy for the past few months – between making friends, losing friends, a milestone birthday, and a major life shift, I just haven’t had the time to write – and when I have, it’s been one of the last things on my mind.  So, without further adieu and in no particular order…

 

The major life shift… after working for the same company for approximately 6 years, I’ve moved on to greener pastures.  I’ve gone from working for a major homegoods retailer based near home to a major woman’s wear retailer based in New York City.  The job is somewhat similar, but it’s a completely different world – the pace is MUCH faster, so I’m doing my best to keep up with them.  I’m sure in time it’ll come to me, but it’s a bit of a struggle at the moment.  You have to get used to their way of doing things, and when it deals with keyboard shortcuts that you’ve never used up until now… well, let’s just say that it’s a little frustrating when you’re not used to it.  It’s a change I feel I needed to make, though – staying at the other company wasn’t doing me any favors.  I had made one or two requests of the other company and nothing ever came of it, which was all the impetus I needed.  So now I’m somewhere else, different environment, different people, and I feel like I’m fitting in, which helps.  We’ll see what this chapter of my life has in store.

 

I’ve taken a bit of a break from brewing for the time being, except for a very sporadic batch here and there.  The reasons aren’t important – and by not important, I mean I don’t want to talk about them :-P – but rest assured that when I do get back into it, I’m getting back into it with a passion.  I’m going to make the jump, once and for all, to all grain brewing – one that I wish I had made a while ago, but for a number of reasons, it just hasn’t happened yet.  I’m at the closest to doing it that I’ve been yet, and with a gift certificate to Northern Brewer from my sister, I can pick up the other few odds and ends I may need.

 

So, onto the most interesting (to me) part of all this.  I turned 30 about a month ago, and off and on, I’ve been re-evaluating various aspects of my life.  One of the most interesting things is that I’ve recently gotten back in touch with two friends of mine from growing up – and it’s kind of… incredible how much of an effect that can have on you.  One has since moved down to Florida, but I still have these memories of being 12 or so and going on these long walks with her around our neighborhood after dinner during the summer where we’d just talk for hours.  We ended up growing apart in middle school and the beginning of high school (when she moved), but it’s like we just picked right back up from where we left things.  So eventually, once I can do it, I’d like to go down and see her – we haven’t seen each other in almost 20 years, and I’m not that skinny little rail that I used to be growing up… but with all the conversations we have on the phone now, and all the laughs, and all the jokes… it would be great to see her again, even if just for a long weekend or something.

 

The other has also moved out of the area, but she’s a lot closer – we’re actually going to brunch together up near her on Sunday.  We’ve both gone through some rough patches recently, and we’ve been able to turn to each other for that extra little bit of support.  To know there’s someone in your corner who has your back no matter what, and who is at worst a text message away, is a great feeling – and I’m lucky enough to be able to say I have a few people in my life like that.  I’m definitely looking forward to Sunday, though – the last time we hung out, we went out for dinner and closed down the upper floor of the restaurant.  We don’t get to see each other nearly enough…

 

It did get me to thinking, though.  Out of almost nowhere, these people have come back into my life.  And I’ve welcomed them back with open arms, because the way I see things, each person is in our life for a different reason.  Maybe to teach us a lesson, or serve as a conduit for us to meet someone else, or… well, any number of things, really.  But between the two of them coming back into my life, another dear friend of mine from growing up re-entering my life last year by way of a shared interest (I’m actually volunteering with her at a beer show on Saturday), and everyone who’s already in my life… with all the changes recently, with all the stress I don’t write about on here, it’s not surprising I’m as grounded as I am.

 

I’ve always said this, but no matter how many times I do so, it still bears repeating – I’m lucky to have the people I do in my life.  I try to take care of them when and where I can, and hopefully I do a good job of it – if you prove to me that you’re worthy of my friendship (which is pretty easy to do, but even at that, people have succeeded in fucking it up in pretty impressive ways), then I’ll do everything I can to be the best friend I can be to you.  If you can think of people in your life like that, those who would give you the shirt off their backs, then my one piece of advice is to try to be that same kind of friend to them.  You never know when someone’s having a bad day and can use that pat on the shoulder, or the snide comment to make them laugh, or even just saying hi to them.  A friend once greeted me when I walked into a bar and it turned my whole day around.

 

Just keep your eyes open – you never know what you’ll see.

 
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A real quick little update…

20 Jan

I’ve been, largely, at my wits’s end recently trying to handle a few other things. One of them is, for all intents and purposes, settled, so I feel a bit more normal. Drop me a line if you want more information. :-)

 
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It’s all a matter of perspective…

19 Jan

So I’m working on trying to adopt a more positive outlook this year.  It’s not always going to be easy, trust me, I know that – but then again, ask those who know me well.  I’ve never been one to be all sweetness and light all the time.   Are there some things that aren’t going great right now?  Yeah, sure.  But, while they need attention, they can’t be the focus of your lives.

I’m going to steal a term from my friend Janey here – for a long time, for years, I used to be a “panic merchant.”  I think in the past few years I’ve done a LOT to turn that around, though.  I’ve become a stronger person, I’ve dropped a number of my paranoias (not all of them, though), and I’m by and large happier with who I am in general.  While I’ve walked away from an online game I used to play, and I haven’t put any of my… post game plans into action yet, I know I’m just a happier and more relaxed person.  Like I said in the other post, I had to learn that I didn’t NEED to be there.  I’ve thought about going back just to finish what I was working on in game, but it hasn’t happened yet, and it may not happen at all.  In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter, you know?

I had a nice, long talk tonight with my dear friend A.  It’s been a while since A and I have REALLY been able to catch up, and I know that a lot of the strength I possess is because of her.  It was so nice to catch up – she knew me well back when I was a lot… well, weaker.  And to know that she’s proud of me, and proud of who I’ve become, well… that means a lot to me.  I can count on one hand the people who have helped me become the person I am today – 5 years ago, I don’t think I ever would’ve considered the possibility of taking over control of a beer appreciation group.  Today, I’ve been running one for a couple of years now.  I’ve grown into a more confident individual who’s a lot less afraid of his own shadow than ever before.

And I think that’s something else that’s helped me out considerably – the beer and brewing.  It’s opened a number of doors for me – I’ve just had to learn which ones are worth going through and which ones aren’t. :-)   For a while there, I was… kind of a loner.  Not to say I’m not now in some ways, but I would go to work and I would come home – and that’s all.  I started brewing and I would meet people here and there.  I’d hang out with this person at this restaurant, and I’d run into that same redhead at the beer tastings at Big Z.  That redhead is now one of my closest friends, someone I know I can tell anything to and not have to worry about being judged.  And I don’t know if she realizes it, but it means more to me than she probably knows.

Brewing has also made me more accepting of my own faults.  Not every beer needs to be stupendously awesome – I brewed a spiced brown ale with a few friends a little while back which was, while not one of my worst beers, by far not one of my best.  But you know what?  The world is still spinning.  The sun still comes up in the east and sets in the west.  It’s making me more willing to take chances and experiment a little.  I have my spiced holiday beer, yes.  That’s not that unusual, though.  I’m talking more the starfruit saisons of life.  The stuff that people might not think of – going outside the box, if you will.  If I can take that inspiration for something like a starfruit saison and use it in other ways, maybe I can find a clever, eloquent way to code that one task at work.  Or maybe I can figure out how to keep something organized around the apartment, which seems to be a never ending project.  Finally, I think I’m becoming comfortable in my own skin.  It’s only taken me three decades to get to that point…

I’m coming up on the point where I’m about to start all grain brewing.  For those not familiar with the process, I’m not buying Betty Crocker mixes anymore – I’ll finally start baking from scratch.  If it doesn’t come out the first few times, whoopty doo.  I need to learn how to do this.  And, just maybe, I’ll be able to come up with a recipe for something that’ll actually get me an award.  I know the brewing is about more than just that, but… you know what?  it’s going to feel damn good to say I’m an award winning brewer. :-)

So I’ve been through a few things recently that haven’t ended well.  I’m not going to get into them, partially because as I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten a bit more private, and partially because, honestly, it just doesn’t matter what they are.  But this brings up another interesting trait of mine – I have this need to… reclaim things.  If I have a bad memory associated with something, I need to replace it with a good one.  So I’m trying to see what I can do about doing that – but I wonder… am I alone in this?  Do other people feel the need to take something back by replacing a bad memory of it with a good memory of it?  It might be something as simple as going out to eat with a good friend – because the last time you went to that restaurant, you were dumped there.  (Which is not one of the things I’m referring to, but that’s the idea I’m going for.)  Is this just one of my idiosyncracies, or is this something a lot of people pay attention to?

Like I said, maybe it’s just a matter of perspective…

 
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2011 – or, Zen and the Art of Weight Loss

01 Jan

So, it’s a new year, new possibilities, blah blah, you know the drill.  I’ve been thinking about this recently, and there’s really only one thing that I want to do – lose weight.

And for those who know me well, and are a little surprised to hear that, hear me out.  I’m not talking about losing my gut, I’m talking about taking off the weight that’s keeping me from what I want.

While yes, I would like to lose another few pounds (I lose about 20 pounds this past year, put back on a couple, and am currently at about 203 or so – and I’d love to be-and-stay-under 200), that’s not the kind of weight I’m talking about losing.  In this past week, I finally kicked someone out of my life for good, like I’ve tried to do so many times before – and like my friends have been telling me to do for quite some time.  That’s about 120 (I’m guessing) pounds that I lost that was holding me back, not to mention losing a TON of emotional weight and investment and all that.  At least, I’m calling it a ton – some of you who know that whole story may think it’s more than just one ton. J  I’ve given up something that was taking a LOT of time – and in doing that, I’ve given myself back a few hours a week to pursue other things. And, let’s say, my pursuit of those other things doesn’t come to fruition – well, at least I have that time back.  Maybe I don’t learn that one particular type of programming – as long as I do something, ANYTHING, other than wasting the time like I used to, I’m making better use of it.  The past few nights, the time I would’ve been wasting, I’ve been spending reading a novel I’ve had in my possession (thanks David) for quite some time now. The game I gave up, I realized, was starting to become a bit… well, for want of a better word, toxic to me – too much time, too much mental investment, etc.  I still play a couple of online games – but instead of being online for hours at a time playing them, I can do everything I need to in both games in about 10-15 minutes total.  And if I don’t get to them that day, whoopty-doo.  What I think I needed to learn/realize was that IT DOESN’T MATTER IF I’M THERE OR NOT, and once I had that knowledge, doors just started opening.

A couple of nights ago, I did something that I hadn’t done for as long as I can remember – I shut down my computer because I wanted to.  It was nice – music coming from the iPod in the kitchen, reading in the living room, and if anyone wanted to get a hold of me, they actually had to put in some effort.  I think the more rewarding part of it wasn’t so much the fact I turned the computer off as much as that I had, in some ways, disconnected.  More weight that I was able to lose, but this kind is… psychological.

I can look around my apartment and see little things here and there – while I came from a house that was INSANELY clean, and I never see my place getting that way… there’s a lot of clutter here.  Maybe some stuff that I don’t necessarily want to get rid of, but don’t really have a place for.  So if I can figure out what to do with this stuff, that’s a little more spatial weight I’ll be able to lose – not to mention that it’ll make me feel better if only because I’ll know the place isn’t as cluttered.  Why do I need this _______?  Is there anywhere I can put it where it’ll be out of sight, out of mind, but I’ll still have it should I need it later?  Does this _________ even work?  If it doesn’t, is it fixable?  If it’s not, then is there any reason why I shouldn’t throw it out other than I spent money on it?  If I’ve gotten my money’s worth out of it, and it no longer works, then I don’t need it anymore.  Not to mention that I know I can be a little lazy, and if I can change that this year, I’ll be doing a LOT better.  I know that the way I used to be was that things had a tendency not to get done because I knew they wouldn’t take long to do.  I know that sounds a little confusing, but the way I think, if I know it won’t take long to do then it doesn’t matter when I do it.  I need to change that way of thinking – if it doesn’t take long to do it, then DO IT, Belson.  I don’t know how to classify that kind of weight, but you do have to admit – thought patterns like that will do a DAMN good job of weighing you down if you let them.

I’ve gone through a handful of changes in the past couple of years, in a number of different ways – physical, emotional, psychological, stronger convictions, more of a willingness to stand up for my beliefs, just to name a few.  I’m nowhere near done, but it’s a place to jump off from.  I have my goals for this year, things I want to do, things I want to change, things I want to learn.  I want to become a better cook.  I want to move to all-grain brewing.  I want to learn how to play the guitar.  I want to learn about Android programming, either application or OS.  Hell, if the rest of this is about losing weight, then maybe those last comments could be considered putting on muscle.

I want to become a stronger, better, more reliable person for the other people in my life.  And, obviously, I want to become a better person all around – both wholly and holistically – for myself.  Break as many of the bad habits as I can, and maybe develop some new, better ones to replace them.

Am I biting off more than I can chew here?  Maybe/probably.  But you know what they say – shoot for the moon… If I’m lucky, these changes will extend to – and effect – other positive changes in my life.  And if not, well, if I can execute any of these changes, then I’ll be ahead of where I am right now.

 
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Time to shake things up a bit…

04 Oct

Like I said in the last post, I wanted to mess around with the look of this place a little.  Ended up changing it to WordPress from NucleusCMS, if for no other reason than I like this theme a LOT better.  :-)

I’ve been swamped recently – trying to find a little down time here and there to follow up on a few things.  The apartment is largely under control, which is nice.  It’s not spotlessly clean, but at the same time, I live here.  It’s not like it’s some model apartment they’re going to be showing off or something.  So as long as it’s clean enough for me, it’s good enough, you know?  I’m trying to do a better job of staying on top of it, but we’ll see how well that works out.  I have a bunch of things around that I don’t need, but don’t want to get rid of, so I’m trying to figure out what to do with that stuff.  That’s the majority of the clutter around here, and it’s not like I have my own garage to do something with it.  Either way, though, I”m pretty happy with the progress I’ve made recently.

Alright, think I’m going to turn in for the night.  Hope you guys like the new look of the website – RSS feed information to follow. :-)

 
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